Here I am. Two years after a major heartbreak and trying to date someone again.
I feel attached, but disconnected. It just feels like the same old experience, with a different flame. Girl doesn’t wanna fall, falls for guy, guy fucks everyone and falls for another. So maybe an experience that not all girls go through. But the same, sad play I have become somewhat numb to.
Currently, a guy has come around who recently had a breakup – red flag for me, yet everyone says no. My fears are the same as Emmanuel – he’s gonna get back with her – or like the others – he doesn’t want anything serious just to want someone else seriously. I don’t even know if I like him yet, but I’m unsure if it’s because I am scared to or because I just don’t yet. Either way, I am scared of what will be. I can barely live in the present because I have this intense fear of being betrayed and sad and hurt. I hate being hurt this way; it makes me want to die. I know that sounds super dramatic and borderline, but it genuinely is true. I fear feeling that way again – worthless, uncared for, and used, like a piece of garbage. I don’t believe this of myself. I think I am kind and flawed, like most people. But it’s a lie if I don’t admit that I think I am special in the sense that I am genuine and I do not try to hurt anyone intentionally. I just want to bring joy, love, and kindness into this world, so I feel so fucked over and stupid and used when I pour my heart out in love. I feel like what’s the point of being here? Because I do not want the world to harden me, I honestly would rather be dead. That’s not who I am and not who I want to be, yet I feel hopeless in this sea of cruel men. Men who use me and have zero remorse that isn’t self-righteous (“I’m sorry because III need to feel better for my mistakes”).
Time and time again, men show me (and a lot of women nowadays) that I should count my stars to find a decent person. I look at all the men who have broken the women I love in my family. The men in my own family, who have broken down great women whose intentions were solely to care and love them. Like that’s wild. And so, once again: what’s the point?
What’s the point of dating if I will either fall in love alone or be betrayed? Growth? Because if so, growth…for what? Fuck that. How many men have to break me down and take pieces of me with them in order for me to be what God wants me to be? I was listening to a podcast by Joyce Meyer a couple of months ago and she was talking about how suffering is part of the life of a devoted Christian and how we deserve nothing and should want nothing more than God’s love. And though I understood, I thought to myself “well that’s bullshit. So I have to prove to God my love and devotion through suffering? WHY? And why would God want that if he loves me?” I’ve been stuck on that for a while too.
I know it seems like I did a 360, but the fact is that this does not make me question my faith, but instead my devotion to God. And it sucks, because it’s like I suffer for your love, God, when all I want is love & I might not even get it? And even though I’ve felt like familial love (being a mother) may suffice, I don’t think it will after all if I keep getting treated like shit from guys. Like I have to be dragged in the dirt, pummeled, and spat on in order for You to not even give me a man who loves me and serves You and just die with the greatest fire you put in my heart to remain unlit? Wild.
What is the point?
FYI – Update here: June 2020 – He ghosted me 2 days after I told him I was a virgin and when I had a uterine cancer scare. Had the most scary experience and most painful procedure of my life and this guy literally just stopped talking to me and posting more on social media to make his point. I also have a hunch it was for a girl he met at the club the week prior to our last date, when he cancelled on me to go out with his friends. He ghosted me for a girl who’s a young divorcee, with a child. But, I digress. Did this blog post just come full circle? IS there a point? Yes, possibly to make me feel less and less valuable until I finally off myself. – sincerely, ghosted and prob near-future ghost.
the ashley diaries 